Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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