remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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