I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
