home. puking in laundry basket.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
