i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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