Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
