I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
