Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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