I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
