Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
