Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
