I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
