Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
