weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
