Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
