when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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