"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
