Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
