so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
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I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused