i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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