WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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