Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
