Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
