Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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