i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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