I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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