i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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