He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
