today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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