so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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