im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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