my mouth tastes like poor choices
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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