she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
