I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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