So drunk its hurt
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
