Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
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when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
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My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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