sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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