saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
