i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
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Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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