My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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