I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
