Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
