oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
