We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
