Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Text me some of your sweat
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
