how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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