I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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