If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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