She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
