Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
