Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
