i barfeds in our rink
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
