what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
