At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
