Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
